Can You Be Friends with an Ex?
Have you ever received a “happy holidays/birthday/new year/etc.” text from an ex? Have you ever noticed that an ex has started viewing or replying to your Instagram stories? Or maybe you spend some time catching up and remember what brought you together in the first place. These interactions might feel really good, and they might also feel really confusing. Let’s explore some rough guidelines on how to decide if you’re ready and willing to forge a friendship with an ex and how to set the friendship up for success.
You might be ready for a friendship with an ex if…
You’re both clear that it’s over. If you aren’t, then you’re not friends — you’re exes trying to work out your issues to see if you can get back together. That’s okay, but be honest with yourself about expectations. It’s important to be on the same page about this, and the only way to know is to discuss it clearly. We can’t rely on hints or think it’s obvious. There are not many cultural scripts for this, and it’s really up to you to design your own template for how things should go. The beauty in this is the freedom to honor your unique needs as individuals and a team.
Boundaries and expectations are clearly defined. This includes obvious things like physical and sexual boundaries, but can also include things like which general topics are okay to talk about. Maybe you’re not wanting to hear about each other’s dating lives, at least to start. Or maybe it feels like a blurred line to give compliments about each other’s physical appearance like you might in other friendships. You are most likely still physically attracted to each other to some degree. Be clear with yourself about what boundaries you need to keep your actions aligned with your goal for the relationship.
You have shared values and interests. Your interactions aren’t focused on the past, but instead on what’s happening in the present. If it feels like the only thing you have to talk about is your relationship or nostalgia over shared memories, it should give you a moment’s pause to think about if this is a dynamic you want to continue.
You’re clear with any current partners about the relationship. I do not believe that you have to cut off all communication with exes just because you are partnered again. I do believe that you should work collaboratively and communicate honestly with any current partners. You can be honest about the friendship while still honoring the boundaries you have set up with your current partner. This just takes some communication, open-mindedness, and trust.
You know in your gut that this is a good choice for you. Your best friends, therapist, and family can give their feedback- and I’m sure they will - but it is truly only you who can know in your heart of hearts if maintaining this friendship is moving you closer or farther from a life aligned with your deepest wishes.
You have a plan to check in and adjust as needed. Expect bumps in the road, and expect that you won’t get it perfect on your first try. You can always change your mind once you have more data and try it out.
I hope this list has given you a starting place for deeper exploration. Remember that you can keep things friendly without being friends. We don’t have to view this as a binary! Of course there is a lot of nuance and plenty of room for flexibility. If you have mutual friends, for example, you might be totally okay with seeing each other at group events (or group video calls?) but keep it to that. Or maybe you send supportive messages every now and then, but keep your day to day lives separated. If you are co-parenting or still sharing finances or a living space, there is a lot more to consider. If you’re feeling curious about this process but need a space to explore with someone you trust, email me today to set up a free consultation.