I love working with breakups. I don’t enjoy seeing people suffer with heartbreak or stuck in all consuming rage. Even so, the rawness of this time in someone’s life is rich with opportunity for self-reflection and healing. Radical shifts in perspective and radical changes in life choices can come from a breakup, and I never lose sight of this when I witness my clients grieving the end of a relationship. I have such conviction in this belief that I have too much to say in just one post. Keep reading for part one of what I keep in mind when supporting someone through this transition. 

Relief

It is deeply relieving to make a choice that is aligned with our values and intuition. Sometimes this is true for ending a romantic or sexual relationship, even though it hurts. This is usually a decision that is made carefully over time, and saying goodbye can feel like a deep breath of fresh air after weeks or months of living in limbo. The fears of experiencing emotional pain or of hurting someone you care about can suddenly feel worth it. It takes immense courage to be honest with yourself and others that the relationship was not working no matter how hard you tried. 

Clarity 

Over time, it is likely that more emotional truths will come to light. Anger and disappointment can come to light as you allow yourself the freedom to feel what may have been suppressed during the relationship. Great wisdom can come from these emotions that are so often labeled as negative. I like to think of them as challenging or maybe uncomfortable, but certainly not negative. Anger in particular is a crucial messenger that tells us when something is not aligned with our values, true self, or boundaries. The more honest we are about anger, the better we are able to decipher these intuitive messages and gain clarity about what we need in our relationships. Not only will this clarity prepare you for future romantic and sexual relationships, but can also encourage greater honesty in relationships with friends and family. 

Alternatively, there were probably parts of the relationship that were new and exciting that you want to be sure to seek out in a future relationship. One of the most painful myths of breakups is that the time spend with that person is a waste if it the relationship ends. You may have learned to be open to characteristics you had not considered before, or may have felt respected and appreciated in new ways even if it ultimately wasn’t a good fit. There is power in expanding your view of what is possible in a partnership.  You can have lasting positive impacts on each other’s lives, regardless of how long the relationship lasts. 

Community

I grew up renting romantic comedies from the video store on the weekends. No matter how much I learn and unlearn about the problematic dynamics of these films, I still get excited when  I see one of my favorite 90’s/00’s romcoms has been added to Netflix. Now that I’m an adult who has actually experienced breakups and has supported others through them, my favorite parts of these films are the ways that the main character’s community shows up for them. I love the way the protagonist’s friends are able to point out their strengths and make them feel seen in a way they didn’t realize they needed. 

It can be hard to be vulnerable with our friends, and sometimes it takes a major life event to nudge us to seek out support. Breakups are one of those major life events that have a loose outline of a cultural script of how to show up: ice cream, tissues, listen, chime in with something encouraging. For a more thorough breakdown, check out this post. When we allow friends and family to show up for us and allow ourselves to receive their care, we are practicing a level of intimacy that may or may not be new. Through this process, friends can learn things about your fears, insecurities, and emotional needs they may not have otherwise known. 

Speaking more concretely, ending a romantic relationship can afford you more time to put energy into platonic relationships. You can expect to find yourself more invested in random text conversations and with a schedule more open to last minute adventures (or socially distanced video chats). Just as it can feel good to receive care from your community, you may have more energy to give care. This can be a chance to catch up with people you find yourself missing, and a good reminder that you do not need a partner to be connected with a fulfilling social network. 

Coming Soon

In part two, we’ll get into the opportunities a breakup can provide to make other big changes like moving or even changing careers! We’ll also talk about exploring your sexuality and feeling increased motivation to dive deeply into inner healing work. As always, reach out with any questions, and feel free to share this with anyone in your life who might need some extra support right now.