This Sunday, May 10th, is Mother’s Day here in the United States. Although Mother’s Day is particularly weird this year, let’s be clear that Mother’s Day can be a day of mixed emotions any year. You may be relating to the day from the role of a mother or from the role of an adult child --or both. I find that any day that carries the expectation of joy and celebration also carries with it the shadow of loss and pain. I hope that you can allow yourself to honor the multiple truths of the day that feel present to you. 

It can be hard to be honest about the nuances of our feelings toward our mothers or motherhood because there are very few socially accepted narratives around these topics. I hope that this is changing, but a quick glance on social media this weekend will lead you to believe that everyone has the perfect mother and that every mother feels only gratitude and joy in that role. The rest of the experiences- loss, anger, pain, confusion- are mostly left invisible. My hope for this week’s writing is to provide a chance for you to see a slice of those nuances represented and normalized. 

One of the truest stereotypes about therapy is that therapists are always curious about your relationship to your parents or first caregivers. Of course it is not true that we are looking to blame them for any pain or discomfort you experience, but we are looking to identify the messages you internalized about your emotions, receiving care, and navigating the world around you. In therapy we look for patterns of behavior you were taught explicitly or subtly and how those patterns have impacted your experience of the world around you. Sometimes this does mean identifying and expressing anger towards your first caregivers-- and sometimes that means getting honest about anger you may harbor towards your mother. If you are in the trenches of anger, that is okay. Continue to set the boundaries that you need and don’t feel like because it’s a holiday that you have to sacrifice what you know to be in the best interest of your healing. 

For others, this weekend activates a deep sense of loss. The flood of social media posts celebrating having a mother and being a mother may bring on feelings of grief. You may be grieving your own mother, grieving the mother you never had, or grieving the loss of children and the dream of what motherhood would look like for you. This year, you might be feeling the loss of normalcy around the day’s traditions. If you’ve experienced a miscarriage, fertility issues, or even intentionally terminated a pregancy the day can feel isolating. Where can you find community around these experiences? What rituals, new or old, can help you carry the burden of this grief? 

Lastly, let’s celebrate motherhood! This weekend I am honoring the mothers who have come before me, the mothers I’m lucky enough to witness giving an impossible job their absolute best, and those who carry motherhood as a dream in their heart. I honor all of you who are nurturers, working so hard to expand the ways in which you nurture yourself and your communities. I honor your commitment to care and indestructible faith in our shared humanity. Thank you for showing up for yourselves, your loved ones, and the future of our world! 

Here are additional options of how to honor the day, get through the day, or process the day:

• Take a step back from social media.

  • If there’s anything social media is notorious for, it’s for sending the message that there is one right way something should look. Remember that we don’t know the nuances behind the posts we are seeing. That’s okay- we are never entitled to anyone’s full story. But if it’s hard to stay grounded in this today, it might be a good day for a social media break. 

• If you’re anticipating a hard day, make a plan now for how you want to structure the day with some added self-care.

  • It might help you feel a sense of agency to make some plans. Is there a tv show or movie you can save for Sunday? Would it be helpful to plan a special meal or a walk to a special place?

• Journal about what the day brings up for you.

  • Here is a space to write without judgement and without committing to any words that just need to flow through you. You could write an unsent letter to your mother, which could be a chance to express anything from love and gratitude to anger and disappointment. 

• Phone a friend.

  • Who in your support network has a good understanding of what you’re experiencing? It might feel good to schedule a phone call with them this weekend to talk through what is coming up for you. 

• Connect with your inner child.

  • As adults, we are able to connect with and heal the wounds of our inner child. Ask your inner child what they need. How can you as an adult meet the needs that were left unmet as a child? 

• Name your grief.

  • Some of the types of loss or grief connected to Mother’s Day is what we call ambiguous grief. It may not be as visible as the death of a loved one or loss of a relationship. For example, it might be  grief over a lost dream or hope. Name the loss and know that it’s just as valid as other types of loss. 

• Celebrate the ways in which you nurture your loved ones.

  • Celebrate you and your commitment to healing and changing harmful intergenerational patterns. Regardless of what model you had for nurturance as a child, honor the ways in which you show care for those you love. 

I wish you all a peaceful weekend and hope that you are able to care for yourselves and feel cared for by others. As always, reach out to me if you are needing additional support.