If you’ve ever caught yourself longing for the one that got away, you might feel equal parts embarrassed and confused. It might elicit emotional responses like sadness, nostalgia, or regret. On the other hand, you might feel confused that you’re still thinking about someone who hurt you and who you are relieved to be away from.

If you’ve had that experience and have found yourself googling terms like twin flames, soul mates, and the one that got away, keep reading. You might expect this blog post to be all about how to get over them and stop thinking about them. Instead, I invite you to lean into reflection and curiosity to gain clarity about how to proceed. As a therapist in Detroit, I know you’re not alone.

It’s common to think about an ex and to wonder what could have happened if you had just met at a different point in your life or if that one thing could have just been different enough. Sometimes these thoughts take on a spiritual tone. It can feel like you were destined to be with someone or that you were “twin flames."  Inevitably, this can make it much harder to get over them and move on. This can cause great frustration that life circumstances couldn’t allow you to be together (at least in this lifetime). 

For others, the one that got away is more about a regret that you couldn’t be who you needed to be to maintain the relationship. This leads to guilt and regret because it feels much more closely tied to a personal failing than to an external circumstance. This can show up as thoughts about not being good enough to keep someone or not being lovable enough to get that person to stay. 

These themes are so common that Netflix even made an entire reality show about exes trying again. The show follows four couples who had previously broken up as they try again. You can read more about the show here. Spoiler alert: out of the four couples they followed, all four have since split again. 

It seems pretty clear that the reasons the exes were so stuck on each other were more about the fantasies and meanings assigned to the person than the actual quality of the relationship. When I was watching this show, I found myself wishing I could pull the reality show participants aside for some guided reflection. Individual therapy is all about bringing the unconscious or unknown fantasies and symbols to the forefront of the mind to empower the individual to make clear, confident choices.

There were important reasons why each relationship ended. This is not to say that people can never get back together and make it work. However, it takes a lot of reflection and growth to enter that decision with clarity. Missing someone is not reason enough to confidently believe the relationship will be sustainable. 

Most generic advice tells you to accept that they’re gone, be happy for them, get off the internet for awhile, and to keep your distance so you can give other people a chance. Let’s dig a little deeper, because that advice sounds overly simplistic to me. It sounds like a good idea to create space and move on, but if it were that easy you probably would have already done that. 

Let’s explore the “who, what, where, when, and how” of the one that got away. Feel free to grab a pen and paper or open up a voice note on your phone to capture these reflections. A few questions to ask yourself:

• Who are you wanting to believe the one who got away is?

 I commonly hear that people are attached to the idea of who someone was or the potential  they saw in someone. Of course this is different from missing the way the person or relationship was realistically experienced. Another version of this is to develop vivid  fantasies of who the one who got away is now. For example, you’ve convinced yourself  that even though the relationship ended because you wanted kids and they didn’t, you now believe that they’ve changed their mind and the relationship could work now.

• What does the one who got away symbolize to you?

Some common themes I hear about what the one who got away or the relationship symbolizes: youth, sex, desirability, lovability. What are your reactions to reading those themes? Do any of them stand out to you? Or, what others could you add to the list? It isn’t good or bad that you associate these themes with a specific person, it is just important to note and use to increase your understanding of why you’re feeling stuck on this person.

• Where were you in your journey of understanding yourself when you were together and where are you in that journey now?

Sometimes things feel simpler when we know less. When Taylor Swift wrote, “how can a person know everything at 18 and nothing at 22?”, I think she was referring to this experience of feeling more confused as we learn new information. If you’re someone who engages in regular self-reflection or individual therapy, you might find yourself longing for simpler times. 

Sometimes things get harder and more confusing as you confront feelings and truths that your mind was working hard to shelter you from. Is part of your nostalgia for this person connected to your process of grieving the naivety of your earlier years? Hang in there. You don’t have to return to younger versions of yourself to find relief.  

• When do you they come into your mind? Are there patterns of specific triggers that cause you to think about this person?

Let’s start with an obvious example: you get in a fight with your current partner, and find yourself later that day responding to your ex’s Instagram story about their dog. You hadn’t started your day thinking about this person, but now you’re imagining what a fun life the two of you could have had together and are filled with regret that you are not with them. Clearly this is more about the painful fight with your current partner and not about this ex who got away. It’s a wonderful fantasy to think that you would live conflict-free with this other person — key word “fantasy.”  

The timing might be a bit more subtle of when you think about the one who got away. It might not seem connected, but start to take notice. Were you feeling badly about how you looked earlier in the day and are remembering how desirable this ex made you feel? Did you get some tough feedback and work and find your mind wandering to that amazing vacation the two of you took together? Take note of when you’re most vulnerable to missing them.

• How do you feel when you think about them?

Lastly, and possibly most importantly: how do you feel? Does thinking about this person pull you into a cycle of feeling badly about yourself? Does it remind you of a time you felt loved? Are memories of this ex the only way you have of connecting your sexuality? 

One thing I often say to individual therapy clients is that the parts of you that you’re missing from a past relationship belong to you. If you haven’t felt desirable since that relationship, it doesn’t mean that person is the only one who can make you feel desirable. It means that you have it within you to connect to your desirability. This is fantastic news! The more comfortable you get with reframing the parts of the relationship you loved as parts of yourself, the less power anyone from your past will have. 

It depends. Take note of your responses to the questions above. There is no one right answer, and no one other than you can make this choice. It’s only human of you to be curious about what has and hasn’t changed, and the more understanding you have of your feelings, fantasies, and memories, the better equipped you will be to make a decision that is in alignment with your values and is best for you. 

Is there one person you can never get over?

Do I believe that you are bound to have a life of suffering and regret? Of course not! If I truly believed that you would never be able to get over someone, I would detail all the ways to try to get back together! It might feel comforting to maintain an attachment to the idea of being with that one person. 

It might feel more comforting to believe that there is one person for you who “got away” than it is to confront your fear that there isn’t anyone out there for you. That’s a heavy fear to hold, and it makes sense that your mind would develop a fantasy and wish about your ex to protect you from your fear. As I’ve outlined in this post, there are a lot of ways to cope with these fears without getting back together. 

In conclusion

If I could leave you with one takeaway, it would be this: 

Do not take your thoughts of the one that got away at face value. There is emotional context and symbolic meaning to get curious and compassionate about before taking any action. Thinking of an ex is not a sign to get back together. Thoughts of an ex can be a gentle nudge to reflect and get support. 

It is possible to move forward with clarity and confidence. For many of my clients, individual therapy helps them process the unconscious ways their minds are making meaning of past experiences. If you’re in Michigan or Pennsylvania, you can schedule a free initial consultation with me to see if we’re a good fit for an ongoing therapeutic relationship. If you’re outside of those states, check out Inclusive Therapists to find a licensed mental health professional near you.