On Loneliness

It’s okay to feel lonely. 

There’s no shame in needing people and in needing human connection. This month I had the opportunity to sit down with Marvin Toliver, LCSW, from @melanatedsocialwork and lead him through a guided exercise on cultivating a sense of connection when we feel lonely. If you missed the live event, you can click here to watch. If you prefer to go at your own pace, scroll down for the written script. 

I chose the topic of loneliness because it’s a common experience, yet doesn’t get much air time. On social media, we are bombarded with images of folks connecting, or at least displaying their social capital. We can feel lonely in the process of a breakup, in a romantic relationship that isn’t meeting our needs, or really any time we aren’t getting enough experiences of connection. We feel connected when we feel seen, heard, understood, and celebrated.  It takes courage to risk showing ourselves to others, and it takes skill to communicate when we aren’t having our needs met.

One of the stickiest parts about loneliness is that there are a lot of well intended messages that promote self-love as the antidote, which can leave someone experiencing loneliness with a sense of shame for not being able to love themselves out of their loneliness. This is especially true in U.S. individualistic culture.  It’s important to discern self-love and a self-guided spiritual practice from unrealistic pressure of not needing others.  Just as we can’t expect any one person to be our entire world, no matter how much love there is, we can’t expect ourselves to be content without human connection. 

We need both a loving, compassionate relationship with ourselves and to experience acceptance and belonging with others. When one area is falling short, it’s helpful to lean on the other.  Ideally, we will have a balance of both. 

This meditation is for those moments when it feels like no one will ever quite get you. Loneliness isn’t about being alone, it’s about not feeling a sense of belonging. You can experience loneliness in a relationship, friendship, workplace, family, or in times when you are actually alone. Whether you prefer to listen to the video or go at your own pace, this script provides a chance to reconnect to your birth right of belonging. 

Wishing you peace and connection!

Meditation Script:

To start, I invite you to sit comfortably. If you are able to, place both feet flat on the floor.

I invite you to place a hand on your belly, and breathe in through your nose. Feel your belly expand as it fills with air, and contract as you exhale through your mouth. 

Inhale, expand. 

Exhale, contract. 

It’s okay to make noise during this. 

Inhale, expand.

Exhale contract. 

Take a few more deep breaths at your own pace.

I invite you to remember a time when you felt seen, heard, honored, loved. 

This might be a special conversation, a split moment, or maybe even an entire day. 

If you haven’t had this experience, I invite you imagine what it might be like. 

Who were you with?

How does this person or these people make you feel?

What parts of yourself were honored in this moment?

As you recall this memory or imagine this event, what parts of the physical body light up?

Where do you notice warmth?

Maybe in your belly, where we began drawing awareness 

Maybe in your chest, or your throat

Where else do you notice physiological activation?

Your lips turning upwards to smile, or your shoulders lowering in release

Connecting to these sensations reminds us that we belong in our shared sense of humanity

Allow this warmth to spread throughout the physical body

Gentle warmth reaching your forehead

Ears

Neck

Chest

Belly

Pelvis

Thighs

Knees

Shins

Ankles

To toes

Take a few deep breaths at your own pace, imagining a sense of warm connection filling you with each inhale

These sensations belong to you

Your memories belong to you

Your imagination belongs to you

Just as you belong here

When you find yourself feeling lonely, questioning your belonging, or feeling isolated, return to these physiological reminders that you know how to connect, and you will connect again. 

Take one more deep breath- the deepest breath you’ve taken today

And exhale

When you’re ready, return your gaze to your surroundings.