7 Tips For Supporting a Friend Through a Breakup
1.) Remember that a lot more of your friend’s past might be triggered right now than what meets the eye.
It might seem from the outside that your friend is responding to the fallout of the relationship — and of course, they are. But breakups also commonly stir up pain from previous relationships with other ex-partners, friends, or even painful experiences with family members. Your friend might express feeling confused or ashamed of how they are reacting to the breakup, and you might even be having a hard time not passing judgment on they are reacting. Gently share with your friend that it’s normal for the end of one relationship to bring up pain from previous relationships. Keep in mind that some of what’s coming up might be completely rooted in subconscious or unconscious dynamics. For example, your friend might not be thinking that their reaction to the breakup is connected to how rejected they felt by their classmates in middle school… but connections like this are completely common. The good news is that by showing up with support through this time, you are helping your friend heal from previous hurt, even if it doesn’t feel like you are doing enough.
2.) Expect your friend to feel insecure in ways that seem out of character.
Even the most confident person in the world can be thrown off after a breakup. It can be hard to see someone you care about being so hard on themselves. This might sound like your friend suddenly sharing that they feel unloveable or look like your friend rushing to try to lose weight or change their physical appearance. The cliché breakup haircut is one thing, but increased dislike for body size or shape is something to take a little bit more seriously. Your friend might be extra vulnerable to diet-culture messages that promote weight-loss as empowerment or self-care. You are uniquely positioned to give your friend an ego boost, even if seemingly superficial, to share the beauty you see in them that has nothing to do with weight.
3.) You can honor their anger without taking sides.
It’s likely that you’re friends or acquaintances with your friend’s ex. It might feel really messy to navigate your role in supporting potentially two friends through a difficult ending. If you find yourself feeling caught in the middle, let them know that you’re all about supporting both of them, but you won’t join in speaking poorly of either of them and stick to it. You do not need to compromise your values or integrity as a friend in order to be caring and supportive. This is one example of how setting a boundary does not mean you love someone any less.
4.) … But if taking a side is warranted, you don’t have to stay neutral.
If you are angry at how your friend was treated, share that you are feeling protective and that they were treated unfairly. At a time when your friend may be blaming themselves for things going wrong, it can mean a lot to have someone point out that it wasn’t all their fault. On a more serious note, if there was abuse or an uneven power dynamic in the relationship, it’s even more important that your friend know you to be on their side. People leaving abusive dynamics often negotiate with themselves around if things were really “that bad.” If you know that things really were “that bad,” reflect back specific moments in the relationship that caused you to feel concerned. For example, you could say, “when you shared with me that your ex didn’t want you to apply to that new job because they were jealous of you working with so many ‘attractive’ people, it was hard for me to see you shrink your ambition to protect their feelings. I care about you and want you to find a partner who supports your dreams and trusts you.”
5.) You need support too.
Thinking about breakups, talking about breakups, and watching someone you care about go through a hard time can take its toll! As previously mentioned, it can be messy to navigate the social dynamics of two friends breaking up. Plus, you might be reminded of your own relationship history and feelings that were left unresolved. Or maybe you’re struggling with your own body image, and seeing your friend start a harmful diet against your advice feels like a tempting time to join them. Confide in mutual friends and work together to support your friend. The burden of providing love and care does not fall on you alone. Conversely, find support in a friend completely removed from the situation who can offer you an outside perspective. Lastly, reach out for professional support. If you’re feeling in over your head, it doesn’t make you a bad friend to suggest professional help from a therapist. It also doesn’t make you a bad friend to focus on your own healing journey and seek your own therapy to process all that is coming up for you.
6.) Refresh your memory on the stages of grief, and keep in mind that they are in no way linear.
Here is your refresher: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When we spell them out like this, they can feel very neatly packaged and linear. In reality, a person grieving a major loss will more likely experience this process in waves, with feelings overlapping and flowing unpredictably. This is especially true for navigating bigger questions around identity, body image, and past traumas that so commonly arise during a breakup. There may be multiple grieving processes happening simultaneously as they navigate everything from self-esteem to existential questions about love and even the timeline of their entire life!
7.) Trust the process and trust your friend’s resilience.
Whatever cheesy symbolism you need to pull from is okay — think caterpillar to butterfly. Breakups can be an incredible opportunity for self-reflection and self-realization. Now is the time for your friend to take inventory of all that is working or not working in their life and relationships, and they absolutely can come out the other end better for it!