If you’ve ever caught yourself longing for the one that got away, you might feel equal parts embarrassed and confused. I invite you to lean into reflection and curiosity to gain clarity about how to proceed.

There's this idea floating around on the internet that we have to be 'fully healed' and 'self-heal' before we dare to enter any type of relationship. Yes, it's a good idea to practice self-awareness and not carelessly project our pain onto new partners. But also, we are social creatures and we heal in and through relationships. So how do we know when we're ready enough to go back out there after a breakup or after trauma? 

You might be feeling shame for not being able to release someone from your past. It might feel like it’s obvious that they weren’t a good fit, didn’t treat you well, or hurt you in a way that feels unforgivable. Oppositely, it might feel like they were a fantastic fit and the universe is playing some type of cruel joke on you to keep you apart. Your shame might feel more like the shame of not being good enough to get them to stay. I understand and empathize with the shame response, but I don’t accept anything your shame has to say as the truth.

Our heteronormative culture creates a hierarchy of relationships that places romantic love at the top. For many people, their romantic partnership is the place they find daily, consistent intimacy and connection, but our culture's focus on this one type of intimacy can minimize the significance of other types of relationships. The ending of a friendship can be just as painful as the end of a romantic relationship. These endings can elicit many of the same emotional responses: shame, grief, and anger. We attach to our friends, share intimate parts of our lives, and rely on them as chosen or extended parts of our families.

We’re wired for human connection, and the beauty of being human is that we’re able to form multiple deep attachments and connections with others. This adds richness, warmth, and color to our lives. We turn to friends for laughter, companionship, intellectual stimulation, and emotional support. When we see parts of ourselves reflected back to us in our friends, we feel a sense of safety in the ease of belonging. When we’re challenged to see things differently by a close friend, we have opportunities to grow in a safe environment.