How do I know when I’m ready to date again?
There's this idea floating around on the internet that we have to be 'fully healed' and 'self-heal' before we dare to enter any type of relationship. Yes, it's a good idea to practice self-awareness and not carelessly project our pain onto new partners. But also, we are social creatures and we heal in and through relationships. So how do we know when we're ready enough to go back out there after a breakup or after trauma?
When you have some self-awareness.
Listen, you don’t need to know how every single part of your childhood has impacted you. But you will go much farther with much more ease if you’re aware of some of the major themes from both your family of origin and from your dating history. For example, if you know that your experiences have shaped you to feel like it’s your fault when someone doesn’t text you back, it’s going to be much easier to cope with that if you know what’s behind your reaction. It doesn’t mean that you won’t still be upset if someone doesn’t text you back, but you will have the tools to understand what else might be activated. That insight can help you separate deeper pain from a minor sting.
When you’re clear on what you want.
What are you hoping to get out of dating again? Is the goal to find a committed partnership, to practice dating, to find a sexual partner? There’s no right or wrong answer, and your answer can of course change over time. The question of knowing what you’re looking for can almost transform into How do you know what you’re looking for? There’s so much to explore about how you’re viewing romantic relationships and the role they play in your life. Sometimes we can get caught thinking we’re only looking for something casual because it feels too scary to admit that we want something deeper. Or oppositely, we can think we’re ready for commitment but feel overwhelmed by too much intimacy. It’s important to have a process for making sense of our reactions and being able to pivot and find clarity.
When you have some support.
When we're well resourced enough to cope with the ups and downs and able to process what we're experiencing. There will be bumps in the road and mistakes, and you don't need to be perfect or perfectly healed to get back into dating or to enter a new relationship. You just need to be self-aware and supported enough. This support can come from friends, family members, or a coach or therapist. It is perfectly expectable that you will feel reminded of your ex throughout the process, and you deserve a space to process whatever that may bring up for you.
When you feel safe enough.
Like I mentioned before, you don’t need to be “fully healed” from past wounds to begin dating again. If you’re in a place of feeling triggered constantly and experiencing severe distress in interpersonal situations, you probably need to re-evaluate dating and get some more support. Safety is relative, but it is important that you have at least a basic sense of safety. There is no shame in taking a pause to soothe what hurts before being ready to meet new people, no matter how long this takes.
Therapy can help.
I don't stop working with my clients after they're out of the crisis phase of a breakup. We continue to work together as they navigate dating, and our relationship is one space that allows them to think out loud about how past hurt is showing up or being triggered in new situations. This doesn't mean that I tell them how to date or what to do, but rather that I support their process of showing up as themselves. Click here to get started today with a free consultation call.