Self-Compassion Myths

I’ve been hearing this week that it can be really challenging to spend more time at home for any number of reasons, but particularly that it is more challenging to spend more time with your own thoughts. You may be balancing the responsibilities of work and home with the added element of not being able to access some of your go-to coping strategies. The idea of self-compassion and remaining present with yourself might sound great but feel out of reach or even annoying. I hope to be able to identify a few common myths about self-compassion and normalize some of the thinking traps that can feel a bit sticky or murky. 

According to the The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, self-compassion is based on the three core elements of self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. If you are feeling something, you can be assured that you are not alone in feeling that way. It is okay to acknowledge what you are feeling, and you can show yourself the kindness you would show a friend who felt similarly. 

Let’s get into what might make these lovely concepts feel obnoxious or unrealistic! 

• There is no point in acknowledging when I feel negatively. I’ll get over it and should just be positive. (Core component in question is mindfulness)

  • I hear that you might feel like circumstances around you cannot or will not change, and you “should” accept them as such. It can be very scary to confront the need for change or the inability to make changes, and that makes it really hard to lean into a feeling that might be signaling that something needs to change. However, it also might not mean that! It might just be a feeling. The more we fight what we feel, the more anxiety is created and the more resentment we feel towards ourselves, that feeling, or external circumstances. I really appreciate the core element of mindfulness when it comes to this challenge, because mindfulness is all about acknowledging what is without judgment. You can start with saying or writing the phrase, “I feel ____ and I don’t want to feel this way because I want to feel ___.” Say or write this as many times as you need to. Take a few deep breaths and try the phrase again like this: “I feel ____[without the second part of the phrase].” Again, repeat as many times as you need. When you’re ready, move into the final stage of repeating, “I feel ____. It’s okay to feel this way. I accept this feeling as one part of my experience.” Remember that a feeling is not a commitment and that feelings pass and shift- especially when we honor them. 

• I don’t want to be too nice to myself because then who will hold me accountable? I have things to do! (Core component in question is self-kindness) 

  • I hear you! How incredible that you want to hold yourself accountable to your dreams! You care about your aspirations, caring for loved ones, etc. What I hear in this is that you might be relying on fear to motivate you to take actions -- fear of letting others down, fear of letting yourself down, or fear of failure. What would it be like to be motivated by your love and commitment to your values rather than fear? What would it be like to trust yourself to follow through based on your integrity to your values rather than based on these fears? Sometimes self-compassion means resting, but sometimes it does mean giving ourselves a chance to take action. If you’ve ever been afraid to start something because of the fear of not doing it perfectly, then you know that fear is not a useful motivator, regardless of what you may have been taught in school or at home. When you find yourself here, this is a good opportunity to identify what it is you’re afraid of and where that fear comes from.  You can hold yourself accountable with kindness. 

• There are bigger problems in the world right now than my feelings. I shouldn’t be complaining. (Core component in question is shared humanity)

  • Of course. We are in a global pandemic. There are a lot of messages right now that this is the only thing that matters, and of course it matters. How incredible that you are able to feel empathy and concern for others. Even more incredible is that empathy is not a limited resource. We can feel love and empathy for those most impacted by “bigger” problems and still feel empathy for ourselves. You are not taking anything away from anyone else by acknowledging your own humanity and your own emotional responses. 

I would love to hear from you what I might have missed on this list and which parts resonate most with you. I also want to be clear that I don’t expect you to read this list and instantly feel better. Self-compassion is a practice and a journey, certainly not a destination. The tools we talk about regularly like meditation, journaling, and talking with someone you trust are all ways of continuing this practice. The fears you are holding are held for a reason, and it’s okay to need time, space, and support in your practice of releasing fear and practicing compassion towards yourself. 

Questions for reflection:

• What comes up for you when you first think of self-compassion? 

• What parts of self-compassion feel out of reach or do you notice resistance to? 

• Are there external voices that intentionally or unintentionally reinforce negative self-talk?

• Whose voice in your life can you channel when you’re struggling most with self-compassion?