Why Do I Need External Validation?

What is External Validation? 

There’s no trick here – external validation is exactly as it sounds. External validation is when you receive positive feedback from people around you. This can be from friends, family members, coworkers, strangers on the internet, or romantic partners. You might be reading this in hopes of learning how to stop needing external validation. I hear all the time that people feel “addicted” to validation and feel a sense of shame for what they describe as needing constant validation. You might feel pressure to stop relying on others and to increase your own confidence. 

I am all for increasing your confidence and learning to trust your internal cues. I want you to like yourself. I want you to know that you’re making choices based on your personal values and beliefs. 

But I also want you to know that it is okay to desire a sense of acceptance from others. It is okay to want to belong. 

Let’s get into the nitty gritty of this.

Reasons Why You Need External Validation 

I see a lot of well-intentioned posts on Instagram about increasing confidence and independence by learning not to care what others think about you. Maybe you’ve seen them too; messages like “stop looking outside yourself for validation” or “be so confident that you don’t care what anyone thinks.”  These messages can be really helpful, but they are only half of the picture. 

We are wired for social connection. Humans are social creatures, and our ability to connect and form attachments is crucial for our survival. Regardless of your attachment style, you were born with an innate ability to bond with others. On a really basic level, humans are not a solo species. Babies aren’t born knowing how to feed themselves, use language, or provide themselves with any other basic care. Babies are born knowing how to communicate and bond to ensure that adults provide them with the care they need to survive. 

Children continue to internalize the loving acceptance and warmth of their caregivers and learn that they are inherently good. Ideally, children learn that even when they make mistakes (which is inevitable!) they are accepted and loved. They can have faults, be held accountable, experience natural consequences of their actions, and still be inherently good.

You might have children in your life you feel this unconditional positive regard for. 

As adults, we are hopefully able to carry that within us and as we mature we gradually need less and less of this external validation. 

It’s pretty simple to explain this and to think that this process should be smooth and easy. 

But what happens when a caregiver is imperfect? Let’s imagine just a small sampling of reasons why this process could be interrupted or complicated: 

• A caregiver has their own attachment traumas or didn’t get “enough” of the unconditional positive regard from their own caregivers 

• A child faces cruelty at school

• A caregiver is unable to read their child’s cues and understand what they need

• A caregiver's responsibilities outside of the home demand a large amount of time away from the child (i.e. working multiple jobs)

• A caregiver dies

• A child experiences trauma that is beyond their developmental ability to understand or beyond their developmental language skills to communicate to their caregiver

Etc., etc., etc! 

We can talk for days about the nuance and layers of these experiences for both the child and caregivers. We aren’t here to say that there are good and bad parents. Rather, it’s more a question of if a child got “enough” of what they needed from a caregiver to internalize a generally positive sense of self.

As if the experience in the home isn’t layered enough, we also need to keep in mind that there are large cultural influences outside of the home pushing messages of inadequacy. Large corporations profit by pushing the idea that you need to buy their product in order to be worthy or good enough. Even if you’ve had a really wonderful upbringing, you’re still only one person up against a constant bombardment of harmful messages.

How to Manage Your Need for External Validation 

The first step in managing your need for external validation is to give yourself the permission to feel it. It’s okay to desire closeness and acceptance from others. 

It’s a gift to be able to form attachments! 

The second step in managing your need for validation is to get curious about what you’re really looking for. I encourage you to pay attention to what happens in your mind the moment right before you reach for your phone to text a friend to seek validation. Who were you thinking about? What were you feeling? What were you believing to be true about yourself? 

The impulse to reach out for comfort and soothing can be so quick that you might not even be sure why you were needing comfort. If it feels too difficult to notice this before seeking outside validation, try to take a look back at what led up to it afterwards. This provides an opportunity to get curious about what types of anxieties, inner conflicts, or fears deserve more care and attention. 

Lastly, tap into the care and compassion you would imagine giving to a child today. This is the oldest trick in the book, and a great one too! In times when you’re stuck in a loop of feeling inadequate followed by self-criticism for not being more confident, it can be helpful to imagine a child you love. What would you expect of that child? What kinds of language would you use to help them navigate their insecurities? 

I’m sure it would be far more generous, patient, and kind than what a voice of self-criticism says. 

In Conclusion 

As an individual therapist for women in Detroit, I know that every person’s story is unique. There are so many ways that the need for external validation comes to be and there are so many unique ways it shows up in daily life. Individual therapy can help adults understand what types of messages they have internalized about themselves and identify how those messages are holding them back from feeling a greater sense of inner peace and confidence. 

The goal of therapy is never to be so confident that you don’t need others. 

It’s more like, how can we make sure that you are confident enough to lean into connection and develop intimacy? How can we help you internalize the belief that you are worthy of connection and deserve to be close to others? 

We can work on this together in individual therapy. Click here to schedule a free consultation today. If you live outside of Michigan or Pennsylvania, check out Inclusive Therapists to find someone licensed near you.