This phrase makes me cringe so much, and you might feel similarly. To say that someone has “daddy issues” is typically a fast way to metaphorically throw a punch to someone’s gut — and that someone is usually a woman. In my experience, this phrase is casually thrown around as an insult that’s used to discredit what a woman experiences in an intimate relationship. As in, when someone expresses a concern in a relationship, they can be met with. “They just have daddy issues that they’re projecting onto me.” 

I want to focus on two of the many ways this can be harmful.

There's this idea floating around on the internet that we have to be 'fully healed' and 'self-heal' before we dare to enter any type of relationship. Yes, it's a good idea to practice self-awareness and not carelessly project our pain onto new partners. But also, we are social creatures and we heal in and through relationships. So how do we know when we're ready enough to go back out there after a breakup or after trauma? 

When I graduated from undergrad a decade ago I had no intention of ever going back to school. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my career, but I knew I was interested in human sexuality, trauma, and social justice. Fast forward to two Masters degrees later, I’m grateful for the experiences that gradually and organically revealed my passion for psychotherapy. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else. In honor of National Social Work Month, ten years since leaving undergrad, five years since grad school graduation, and nearly one whole year in private practice, here is a snapshot of how I’ve landed here.

You might be feeling shame for not being able to release someone from your past. It might feel like it’s obvious that they weren’t a good fit, didn’t treat you well, or hurt you in a way that feels unforgivable. Oppositely, it might feel like they were a fantastic fit and the universe is playing some type of cruel joke on you to keep you apart. Your shame might feel more like the shame of not being good enough to get them to stay. I understand and empathize with the shame response, but I don’t accept anything your shame has to say as the truth.