As I shared in part one of the benefits of ending a relationship, I love supporting people through this transition because I hold onto the faith that you can come out on the other side of the breakup with a better idea of who you are, a greater sense of peace with your past, and a vision for how you want your life to move forward. This is a tall order, but completely realistic! In  part one, we talked about relief, clarity, and community. In this second part, we will highlight opportunities for changes, sexual exploration and investing energy back into yourself. 

I love working with breakups. I don’t enjoy seeing people suffer with heartbreak or stuck in all consuming rage. Even so, the rawness of this time in someone’s life is rich with opportunity for self-reflection and healing. Radical shifts in perspective and radical changes in life choices can come from a breakup, and I never lose sight of this when I witness my clients grieving the end of a relationship. I have such conviction in this belief that I have too much to say in just one post. Keep reading for part one of what I keep in mind when supporting someone through this transition. 

1.) Remember that a lot more of your friend’s past might be triggered right now than what meets the eye. 

It might seem from the outside that your friend is responding to the fallout of the relationship — and of course, they are. But breakups also commonly stir up pain from previous relationships with other ex-partners, friends, or even painful experiences with family members. Your friend might express feeling confused or ashamed of how they are reacting to the breakup, and you might even be having a hard time not passing judgment on they are reacting. Gently share with your friend that it’s normal for the end of one relationship to bring up pain from previous relationships. Keep in mind that some of what’s coming up might be completely rooted in subconscious or unconscious dynamics. For example, your friend might not be thinking that their reaction to the breakup is connected to how rejected they felt by their classmates in middle school… but connections like this are completely common. The good news is that by showing up with support through this time, you are helping your friend heal from previous hurt, even if it doesn’t feel like you are doing enough. 

To highlight the essence of this topic, I’m first turning to the film Eat Pray Love. If you’ve been anywhere near social media, you know there are plenty of memes going around about COVID-19, working from home (#WFH), and watching lots of tv and movies. I’m a huge fan of referencing tv and movies in therapy, because oftentimes these fictional narratives allow us a chance to see relationships, emotions, and conflict play out in ways that relate to exactly what we might be talking about that day. Check out this clip (really just the first 30 seconds) and keep reading to unpack my thoughts! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ojsvc_KsDY