You know how after there’s a death, the first week or so is full of support and then people move on with with their lives? It feels like with Covid, March was the equivalent of that first week. My social media timelines were flooded with supportive memes about self-care (I clearly follow a lot of therapists) and conversations with friends and family centered around making sure we were all “okay.”  Fast forward seven months, a few weeks away from the election, and I’m feeling pulled to revisit the themes of March. Many of us are preparing for colder weather and losing the ability to shake off cabin fever with a socially-distanced outdoor hangout or long walk in a park.

It’s okay to feel lonely. 

There’s no shame in needing people and in needing human connection. This month I had the opportunity to sit down with Marvin Toliver, LCSW, from @melanatedsocialwork and lead him through a guided exercise on cultivating a sense of connection when we feel lonely. If you missed the live event, you can click here to watch. If you prefer to go at your own pace, scroll down for the written script. 

I chose the topic of loneliness because it’s a common experience, yet doesn’t get much air time. On social media, we are bombarded with images of folks connecting, or at least displaying their social capital. We can feel lonely in the process of a breakup, in a romantic relationship that isn’t meeting our needs, or really any time we aren’t getting enough experiences of connection. We feel connected when we feel seen, heard, understood, and celebrated.  It takes courage to risk showing ourselves to others, and it takes skill to communicate when we aren’t having our needs met.

I appreciate aesthetics, I appreciate self expression, and I appreciate joyful movement. But I don’t cook, do arts and crafts, or participate in sports of any kind. These are the kinds of qualities about me you’ll find in jokes made about me (with love) and stories told about me (i.e. remember when Amalia left a pizza in the oven overnight?). 

However, fast forward to one night this week when my partner, who does almost all of the cooking, was overwhelmed with work responsibilities and we had a fridge full of groceries needing to be used. I was motivated to support my partner and I was in the head space of not being quite sure what to do with myself, so I decided to give it a try.

All that I discovered might seem obvious to those of you who regularly prepare food. This was all new to me, and I hope everyone can find some time this week to be present in an activity that feels as nurturing as cooking this simple dish was for me. 

1.) Remember that a lot more of your friend’s past might be triggered right now than what meets the eye. 

It might seem from the outside that your friend is responding to the fallout of the relationship — and of course, they are. But breakups also commonly stir up pain from previous relationships with other ex-partners, friends, or even painful experiences with family members. Your friend might express feeling confused or ashamed of how they are reacting to the breakup, and you might even be having a hard time not passing judgment on they are reacting. Gently share with your friend that it’s normal for the end of one relationship to bring up pain from previous relationships. Keep in mind that some of what’s coming up might be completely rooted in subconscious or unconscious dynamics. For example, your friend might not be thinking that their reaction to the breakup is connected to how rejected they felt by their classmates in middle school… but connections like this are completely common. The good news is that by showing up with support through this time, you are helping your friend heal from previous hurt, even if it doesn’t feel like you are doing enough.