There’s no trick here – external validation is exactly as it sounds. External validation is when you receive positive feedback from people around you. This can be from friends, family members, coworkers, strangers on the internet, or romantic partners. You might be reading this in hopes of learning how to stop needing external validation. I hear all the time that people feel “addicted” to validation and feel a sense of shame for what they describe as needing constant validation. You might feel pressure to stop relying on others and to increase your own confidence.

If you’ve ever contemplating ending a relationship with someone you deeply care for, you know that it can be pure agony. You might feel terrified of living with the regret of walking away too soon while simultaneously feeling completely burned out from the conflicts within the relationship. Your friends might be hinting that they’re tired of hearing about the same fights and the same feelings over and over again. Family members might be expressing concern for your sense of well being.

If you’ve ever caught yourself longing for the one that got away, you might feel equal parts embarrassed and confused. I invite you to lean into reflection and curiosity to gain clarity about how to proceed.

You might feel pressure to figure this all out on your own and to just “love yourself” into feeling better. However, it’s often times a fantasy that this is the kind of work we can do alone. It isn’t that therapists have magical answers, but more that we can be with you in the process and figure out the answers together.

The answer to the question Why Am I Not Good Enough truly is, “It Depends.”